Crossing the Confidence Barrier

I became aware of the work of Next Chapter Scotland in early 2024. In the summer of the same year, I took a bold decision to get in touch and offer to complete a 20 mile charity walk, fundraising on their behalf. It was the first time in a long number of years that I’d taken on a challenge of such magnitude; more than a decade ago I was convicted of a criminal offence, and as a result I’ve often felt under-confident and insecure, believing that many of my life goals and activities, such as employment, education, volunteering, and fundraising, would be more difficult to achieve or fully participate in.

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My stamina training started about ten weeks before the event. I committed to walking twice in a week, with the distance and difficulty increasing until I was covering upwards of 18 miles each time.

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Fundraising had also gone exceptionally well, some fantastic supporters helped me raise more than double my original target.

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I was extremely excited on the day before the event. As the evening wore on, I found it difficult to sleep. Lying awake in bed, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d packed all my kit properly, or had enough wet weather gear? However, the questions that were really keeping me awake were far more troubling. I was worried about how best to answer a very specific question that other walkers might ask me on the day - “Why have you chosen to walk for this particular charity?”

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The short answer is that, “It’s a cause that’s very close to my heart”. However; my concern was that I’d talk too openly about my past and perhaps trigger someone else’s prejudices against some of the issues my story involves, leading to awkward situations or a poor representation of the vision of Next Chapter Scotland. I began to doubt whether I was making the right choice. My own doubts, insecurities & fear of failure were beginning to creep in. After ruminating over these thoughts for more than an hour, I eventually fell asleep.

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On the morning of my charity walk, most of my nerves had disappeared. My only real doubt was whether I’d done enough fitness preparation to see my body through the day. I met many “five-minute friends”, other walkers pacing alongside me with whom i shared brief conversations. The atmosphere around me was one of camaraderie and positivity. Everyone had also chosen to put themselves through an extreme physical challenge in order to do something they believed in; most were just happy to be there with others sharing in the same experience. Awkward questions never came, and folks had no interest in being overly intrusive. I crossed the finish line around six and a half hours after setting off.

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Understanding the atmosphere around me on the day was a learning point for the whole experience. As mentioned earlier, I often encounter feelings of doubt and insecurity over the fact that I have experience within the criminal justice system. These feelings are especially prevalent when i undertake new challenges or unfamiliar experiences. I worry that my previous conviction will hold me back, or somehow disqualify me from participating in many every day experiences. The fact that the insecurities surrounding my previous conviction faded away and had no negative impact on my experiences that particular day, was something that I was very encouraged by. This will be a helpful motivator when taking on fresh challenges in the future.

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On the day, I realised that I had every right to be there; neither my past, nor my insecurities got in the way. The knowledge that many of the biggest barriers I have to overcome are often the ones I place inside my own head, was also extremely helpful. I’m glad that I challenged myself to cross the confidence barrier.